I tried to use my diary to write down happy things, or things that made me think, or an occasional rant or two... Just stuff that probably interested only me, but hey, it's my diary, right?I love my children, my husband and my Mom. I don't have opportunity to meet many people since I don't work, so I only have one friend. The few people I have are important to me. But as anyone who's not totally idealistic knows, love really *isn't* everything. You still need some type of life.
I spend most of my time at home. I sit in front of my computer looking at the rest of the world probably 6 hours a day, maybe more. I have my pets to keep me company; they are my furry friends who never seem to let me down. And I like to drive. I have put 148,000+ on a 6 year old car and I don't even have a job.
But my computer has just about shit the bed now. And the car is getting too many miles to be even considered reliable anymore. My landlord and a realtor are coming here Friday morning to appraise my home of the last 9 years so I can be thrown out of it when it sells. And of course, no one around here lets you rent with 2 dogs and 2 cats - even in the shittiest places. (Yes, I had 3 dogs, but I had to give one away last week).
So what this all boils down to is, within the next six months or so, I'll have no computer, no car, no pets and no home. Oh sure, I can move into an apartment in the nearest city, except the nearest cities around here suck (at least the parts *I* can afford to live in). When I lived there, it took 9 months for my apartment to get broken into twice, and my car to be hit twice while parked in front of the apartment. The apartment in the city I lived in before that one was also robbed - by the people who lived upstairs. And the car was broken into, the radio stolen, the window smashed and the ignition broken. This is why I opted to rent a house in the suburbs, even though I could barely afford it - I was sick and tired of being scared to come home everyday.
I've moved 14 times and I'm tired now. As you get older, you naturally expect to take steps forwards, not backwards. I have wanted my own home for the last 23 years, and just figured that my next move would be my last one - to my OWN home. Someplace that I could call, after 41 years, HOME. A place to have "roots" for the last part of my life. The American Dream.
Someone told me recently to "have a positive outlook!" Fuck that. I'm done now.
